Eternal Life My Testimony I had always been told basic things about God and had a very vague belief in Him. But I felt empty from the time I was a small child, I felt that my prayers were not heard. In my teens I sought fuliflment in reading and practicing astrology, numerology and psychic powers, I was also fascinated by the satanic bible and other occult practices and often studied them. Between the ages of 13 and 17 I was very suicidal, there were numerous attempts as well as self mutilation and self destructive behaviors. By november of 1987 I had become greatly paranoid, I was drinking, and felt certain my life would enend soon, and that when it did I would go to hell. I had been taught in a private school baptism WAS salvation, so I called a pleasant sounding church and asked about baptism.The pastor began telling me about Jesus death and salvation. It made so much sense to me. I mean I was thinking and seeing with some incredible clarity for the first time in a really long time. He asked me some questions and led me in prayer, the prayer of salvation. Then he referred me to another church, which i called and spoke with the youth minister, and basically went through the whole process again ( because I did not quite understand what I had just done and it had not soaked in yet LOL.) I had accepted Jesus Christ as my personal Savior! Literally All the confusion and paranoia left me, it was evident to my mother and to me, it was evident I was changed to everyone who knew me. It was truly incredible! I have had one major downfall in my testimony, 1990-1992 I had a series of very painful (emotionally) experiences involving people in my life (both friends and family). This, or more like my allowing satan to use them, brought a huge spiritual downfall in my life, by spring of 1992 I had become extremely weak in the Spirit, and had little resistance to satan purely from emotional and spiritual exhaustion. I was not angry with God, in fact My faith in His till loving me is about all i DID hold on to for a period of time. I still bare emotional scars from these pains, but they no longer have a hold of me as they once did. A huge blessing in this low point of mine was the Lord bringing my husband in my life, I may have never reecovered from the pain I experienced and come from the dark place I had gone to emotionally if the Lord had not sent Scott when He did. I have never doubted it was Gods will for Scott and I to be together, I do how ever believe God sped His will and timing up, because Scott too was in the same spiritual low point I was and makes the same claim that the Lord used me to pull him out as well. Starting my marriage off in a spirtual valley is not what I had ever anticipated for my future. Nor did i anticipate ever marrying someone who was in a valley as well. But, after some time of struggle, we have both overcome, and strive to serve the Lord and fellowship with Him. I can not be involved in church and have not been for several years because of an as of yet undiagnosed fatigue disorder, a comfirmed rare form of arthritis and confirmed knee damage that makes walking even 10 feet unbearable and even sitting without my legs up extremely painful. I miss church terribly, but my faith has grown and i have learned to lean on the Lord so much more now. I was almost hyperactive prior to my disabilty, never stopping to be still, never able to concentrate on the Lord as I should. I feel as if I was very much put in "time out" as a parent would an unruley child. Having learned my lesson, I await healing in full faith and know when my God is ready I will be whether through medical profesionals or instantaniously by His hand. I have been fighting for S.S.I. benifits for several years. These benifits would help in getting all the medical testing I need, as it goes I am slowly, as we can afford it, going to the doctor, and well, when you could have over 100 autoimmune diseases, LOL, this could take a long time at the rate I am going! UPDATE 3-20-00- My lawyer called and told me I have been approved for SSI today! It may take a couple of onths for SSA to do all the paper work, I have to send a letter of aggreement (which will be in the mail tomorrow LOL), but PRAISE GOD!! After 6 years of prayer he finally answered! WHOO HOO!!! But I do praise God for all he has given me, I have a loving husband who is doing alot of double duty since i am incapacitated and he does it with no complaints, A home, a family who loves me, and most of all a Savior and Heavenly Father who love me and look after me. Healing does come, just not always in the package we expect it, Prayers are also answered, just not always in the way we expect. This has been a great lesson I have learned in recent years. That, and the fact God does not reside in a church and being capiable to go into a building doesnt mean doom to your walk with the Lord. I have also learned there is a lost, dying and angry world out there on the internet who need a loving and accepting Savior. I hope to help introduce the two. UPDATE Winter 2000: I got a wheelchair in December and have been going to church again! PRAISE GOD! I also have been getting out more like for the movies and shopping. YAY!! I am truly thankful to God for this!!! This is along awaited answer to prayer! UPDATE 4-10-01: Praise be to the Lord God Almighty! In mid-Feburary I saw my doctor, I discussed some issues with him, he put me on paxil and adipex (appitiete suppresant) The paxil has made me 100 times better, no more fatigue, no morepain either except when i over do it, remember my body was inactive for years, i am growing stronger and better daily,apparently my seratonin levels were so low they were effecting my health all these years. I also found out when i had asked God to help me lose weight last year he answered , i was over 500 pounds but when i went to weigh before starting the adipex i was at 461, lower than i had been in years, after 33 days of dieting i was at 438 we weigh every two weeks and its coming up to weigh again here in 5 days, Scott is losing weight too he lost 40 since mid-january, he is doing better too after being very ill last year and being in and out of the hospital, He is singing in choir, I am getting to church every week, I am driving again and running errands like shoppijng post office etc, and best of all no more wheelchair! We just put it all in Gods hands and everything is going Good. God rocks!! 7-2-01-I am healing! I am out of my wheelchair, walking again and active in church, I have been off disability and medicaid for 2 months now. God is so AWESOME! Check out my Diet Journal 3-29-02-I am still in the process of healing, growing stronger everyday. I am working a part time job now, the first real job I have every really had besides working for a couple weeks in temp jobs in my teens. I am a mountain that God has moved 1-04-05: Well since the last update, i have relapsed into my disability, I am pretty immobile now, gained all the weight back and feeling it harder than the first time. I went thru a divorce which had a huge effect on me mentally/emotionally, and in tuirn drained me physically. I am plannig to have Gastric bypass surgery sometime this year, hopefully in Janurary. I am at the end of my pre-requsite tests. Cutting out the hunger is the only way i can eat less, i eat less, i lose weight, i lose weight, i can get active, i get active i can work, get active in church again, My healing was a brief shining moment in my life. I expect it to come back and stay this time. Obesity i have fought my entire life. Diets, exercise, meds, i did it all the right way, but it never lasts, hunger always gets me. I am removing the one factor that causes me to fail each time. For a life change. My life is somewhat in limbo between divorce and a new life, I can make that new life once i get mobile. Thanks to God for helping me survive the trauma of my husband cheating then in his guilt despite my forgieveness leaving me. Without the Lord i wouldnt have survived. I was destroyed by it. I have been rebuilding. slowly. But i am. I am on SSI disability, medicaid and foodstamps. Plus help from my family for what i cant cover. I dont plan to be this way forever. I am going to fight and have faith in God to help me come out of it again. I have faith He will. I hope to remarry in a couple of years and finally have a child whether naturally or via surrogate. I plan to lead teh life i had dreamed of and prayed for with the Lord before in met my ex-husband and settled for something not Gods will, or Gods man for me. That was a HARD thing for me to reconxile with and come to terms with the Lord that my marriage was rebellion against his will. I knew it in my heart all along but dismissed it for eleven years. Never speaking it to anyone. INstead of waiting on God, i jumped on the first train that came my way instead of waiting for the one headed to my destination. Lesson learned. Time to move on. My Ministry Activities I was a staffer in Super Summer Arkansas (a one week youth camp) 1989 and 1990 I paticipated in two youth choir tours in 1989 and 1991, to Leesburg, Florida and Virgina Beach, Virgina. We canvased neighborhoods in the day time with youth from these churches, then led/did musical worship in the revival in the evenings all week long, in Florida we also sang in a local mall. I worked in an unofficial capacity within my youth group once i turned 18. I was an "ear" for young people one on one.I did a little odds and ends to help, but felt I was not used to my potential at the time, I was on fire to really work with youth, but was not afforded the opportunity at the time. I also participated in a couple of videos for fellowships and sunday school classes. I also participated in three youth musical plays in my church. I was* activly involved in the monday night visitation outreach in my church for many years I was very involved in street evangalism for several years. We went out and witnessed to anyone and everyone on the street and in malls, etc. I Went through C.W.T. (continuing witness training) through my church. I attended several multi-week and one day classes on women and their roles in the bible and the home. I attended "The God Of Rock" seminar, as well as several seminars on the occult, the "danger in the toy box" seminar, as well as many youth conferences with well known speakers over the years. I was involved in a ministry that is primarily a prayer chain at the moment, online, but also includes outeach, witnessing, and help. This ministry is called Gatecrashers. I felt the calling to work with youth when i was approx. 19 years old. I wish I had gotten better chances to do so, because I truely felt like I was fully functioning in Gods will when i did do any working with youth, even in unofficial ways. I still feel that calling, but at this time I see no physical way to be used by God in that way, except on the internet, because of the lack of physical strain involved. I am an open and willing instrument of the Lord for this purpose. * I speak in past tense because i am currantly homebound with a disability and am unable to participate in these activities for the time being. See "Update" above. Home