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Wanting things you don't know how to get
Wanting things you don't know how to get,
& probably aren't good enough for,
even if you did,
is the WORST kinda ache...
When the heart wants something with all honesty, sincerity, purity, and passion,
and it will never have it, because you do not know how to get it,
and even if some how you managed to figure that out,
You're not good enough, not worthy, for it.
Because...you're not right.
You're not whats wanted.
Not needed for sure.
So, you long for that thing,
and you ache,
and you cry,
and you pray,
hoping for divine intervention,
or a miracle,
and you can't think of anything else.
You cant see any other thing filling that hole,
where the thing you want fits so perfectly.
Your heart breaks every day for it.
Your soul aches
and aches
and aches.
Because......... you love.....that which can not love you.
Tears and Prayer...
Tears and Prayer...
Tears and Prayer...
All night long
listening to songs
heart aching so
lonely
so low
Tears and Prayer...
if wishing made it so
Through a happy hearts would blood flow
salt washing from my eyes
streaking pale white flesh
the flesh i despise
Tears and Prayer...
hide away in my mind
to a different place
a different face
a different life
Tears and Prayer...
mirrors betray what the heart sees
talking back to me
alone you will be
hideous catastrophe
Tears and Prayer...
My chances not even slight
no one to hold me in the night
no one to tell me words of love
now one to hold me like a dove
never to be
because, everyone sees what i now see
Tears and Prayer...
Monster staring back at me
a freak
an alien
a leper
don't touch it
don't love it
don't care
Tears and Prayer...
God in heaven set me free
Truth Me Down
Truth.
It weighs me down.
Pulls me down.
Lays me down.
Sucks me down.
Like a beast of burden.
Breaking my back.
Stone around my neck.
Wading water.
Truth makes me drown.
Love.
Love eludes me.
Love escapes me.
Love burns me.
Love denies me.
Love exhausts me.
Love, it hates me.
Truth kills love.
Down.
Down I'm sliding.
Down I'm sinking.
Down I'm losing.
Down me blind.
Down my throat.
Wrong.
All thats wrong.
It's all wrong.
I'm all wrong.
Truth.
Truth it kills me.
Pain it fills me.
Me.
Not good enough.
Not smart enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not enough.
Though I think I am.
Maybe
I'm too much.
Heart.
My heart betrays me.
it denies the truth.
Lies to my mind.
But, i still feel the burden.
Truth the burden.
Of what I am.
Who i am.
What i can not have.
Always alone.
No atone.
No penitence to fix it.
No way around.
Never know.
Love.
Just heavy truth.
Pulls me down.
Forever down.
Whip
Thoughts and wishes whip around me so
My mind flies up
My mind below
A crystal drop in ones true heart
With wings of prayer
Away it goes
Longing for that which one can not have
Life not living
Slow and sad
A girl so fragile tears do flow
All because of one she does not know
Soft sad words spoken of heart
From one to two
Always apart
Chains and shackles hold her feet
From flying away on wings her own
Thinking one might hold the key
One does not know
Nor can he see
Tho' words whispered set her heart free
Body bruised trapped
No way to flee
The want
The need
To connect
Two spirits born from the same breath
Never hearts
Never to meet
She picks at the locks about her feet
Looking down
She sees crimson flow
Skin broken in rushed attempts to release
Just another scar no one will see.
We Could Be
I want to whisper things into your ear,
things i have never spoken to anyone else.
I want to take your hand and hold it against my heart,
so you can feel the beat, beat, beat.
I want to lay my head on your chest,
feel the rise and fall.
I want you to breath life back into me,
set me back into motion with your hand.
I have been lost, locked away,
left alone, in the floor, under the bed.
Blood no longer flows through me,
just dust, and the ache.
The ache that will not go away,
until you touch my hand.
I think...
I think you'd find me unworthy of your hand.
I think you'd not even look at me,
save for a passing glance.
But, somehow... somehow
I just keep thinking that,
somewhere...somewhere....
in time to come....
I might be good enough,
or your resistance has been lowered enough,
that we could be.
we could be
we could be.
Sucker
You ripped out my heart
and then you showed it to me
Put your lips to mine
Sucked it out with a kiss
If i only knew then
what i know now
I would have punch you in the heart
Instead of forgive and forget
you sucker punched me
brought me on my knees
begging for something that only made me bleed
screaming, please baby, please
You weren't even worth the air I wasted on you
I take back my kisses and all the i love yous
I look back and laugh at you no
Strutting like you were some big, tough man
Well a man doesn't raise his hand
to any woman, no matter who they are
So, you sit back now with your cheating whore wife
and i feel pity frr what you did with your life
You were smart,
i give you that
but, you were also a sadistic, fucked up hypocrite
you could have used all that pain they force fed down your throat
for fuel to escape them
and all the shit used to choke
But, instead you let it eat you alive
turning you into the thing you despised
Thats what makes me better than you
because i took my pain
i turned it into art
i turned into fuel
feeding my heart
now i have a new path
one you could never begin to tread
you're wasted
never tasted
the joy i feel
since leaving your ass
My life is real.
Who is the sucker now
not the girl crying in the floor
but the idiot who hurt the only good thing
who ever darkened your door
my kisses burn red hot
Something i could never give you
and i will give them as i please
to whom i choose
but i am no whore
Not a filthy slut
like the ones you ran to when i left
i am strong
i am solid
I a tough
I am sweet
I am the epitome of cool, calm and controlled
and i burn
where as you left me cold and disgusted
but the hideous things you've done
hurting and stealing those innocents
putting your same pain upon their heads
You are sick, and were never worth the fight
but, you had me believing i was your life
I was the whipping girl
in the pathetic little mind you call home
i bet it eats at you how i moved on
How i became so happy, so pretty, so secure
I am glad there were no babies
you would have dirtied them too
the ones who died,
well God was showing them mercy
Because He knew what you'd do
or your brother, or your father, or your mrother
a whole family of sick fucks, living in harmony
yeah, i am feeling on my anger
i hope you choke on it
i hope it makes your heart bleed
After all you put me through
i do have some anger to feed
I usually leave it in the rubbish where it belongs
but sometimes i remember when i dream
or hear a song
I was a sucker, because i was naive
but i learned and i grew
and became wise
Look at you, and what you are
you've wasted your life
I guess you are the sucker now.
had your heart sucked out with a kiss
ain't karma a bitch
Softly Spoken Word
I live with the fact because of misfiring neurotransmitters in my brain
that in all likelihood, i will never live in anything but poverty.
But,
My words, my writing, my art, could carry me away from poverty.
If they do not fall on deaf ears and blind eyes
My words are all i have.
All i have to give, to make a life for myself.
Are my words
All i have to give to anyone else,
Are my words
I have little worth or usefulness beyond that,
I am alone, have always been alone, and I always will
I have reconciled with the fact that i will never know a mans touch,
passion, or true deepest blue love.
I had it once, but, the touch also came with a fist, passion with force,
and love with hateful words
Love became hell
I am not pretty enough, charming enough, or young enough.
I have lost my worth as a woman
My words are not sexy.
They can be hard and intrusive,
But they can also be cooling, calming, soothing.
They can be filled with love and passion, wit, and a smile
But, words are not enough to make a person fall in love with you.
Even tho' it is within my words where my soul sings and i bestow the
most love and wisdom to those i care for.
They just are not enough when they come with an aesthetic none too
pleasing.
A body not lean and graceful
A face not of an angel
Because the eye sees before the heart hears.
That which lies below feels before the mind comprehends.
A woman beyond her twenties, who is round and loose in body and
tired in face is undesirable.
Unwanted.
Unloved.
Untouched.
Unneeded
Unbeautiful.
Unseen
Filled with words, and heart and soul.
But not body.
Not taut flesh.
Not curved in the right ways.
Are my lips not worthy of a kiss?
Is my heart not worthy of being held gently in hand
Protected?
Cherished?
Does my body not need strong arms around it?
Do my arms not need something warm and sensuous to fill them?
Am i not supposed to have those desires that haunt me in the night?
Tossing and turning beneath covers in a bed much too large for just one?
am i not good enough to sit and share words with?
share heart with?
share soul with?
share body with?
Are my words, no matter how much they swirl an dance and sparkle
in illuminating beauty, not enough to show the beauty that lies
inside me?
What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see a beautiful, passionate, kind, honest, open, loving woman?
Or do you see something that offends the eye,
lacking humanity in its hideous nature?
I am not a contradiction to nature.
I am a woman and i need to share love,
and touch and words and arms and kisses and time.
But, i am aware it will not come.
Not in a mutual love.
Those i want never want me.
I am never good enough
Queen of the unrequited I will, no doubt, always be.
I fuck everything up
I have the poison touch
Oh my heart!
My heart is held together by scar tissue alone.
Press too hard and it begins to bleed.
A casualty for wearing it upon my sleeve.
I have been broken time and time again.
I am the only one who ever came with the bandages to help mend.
Tho' i begged at the feet of those i loved to heal my wounds attend
I was denied
kicked away like a diseased dog
Thrown away, into the emotional rubbish bin
Despite the pain i am fed
I am strong.
I don't move with grace,
but with roots for
feet buried deep in the ground,
so that even the harshest winds will
not fell me.
Scars that harden shore up what was once weak.
A whipping girl i have been.
No more,
I will not be the one to pay for your selfish sins.
Alone i may stand until i am dust.
It will hurt, it will bleed, it will make for a maddening life.
But, i am unworthy and my words do not
bring to me love upon soft wings.
It is my fate, i must accept it.
I shall give up the wait.
Black
I smear the black shit around my eyes
because it makes my wounded blue eyes pop
Paint the harlot across my lips
because they long for a kiss
Dye my hair black from its red
Because i think it suits my pale skin
I'm not a vampire
I don't drink blood
I drink words
I suck them dry for all they have
Down to the marrow
They feed me
They nourish me
They make me alive
Make me hard
Make me soft
Make me wet
Make me feel
make me feel not alone when spoken from the right lips
art.
Art is my lover
Words are our bed.
Wrapped up in a undecipherable tangle
Breathing heavy
skin on fire
burning burning down
burning to black
Like the ash of my past
My black is not a fashion
it is my passion
Burn burn burn
Dancing in your arms
Dark, and mysterious
Daring and intriguing
Complicated and Bold.
Speak to me
Feeding on your words I will neer grow old
The Gift
Something about you made me more complete
This gift you gave me was some how part of me.
Like you had been holding it inside you all these years
Waiting for the right time to give it back, to make me whole.
But, you didn't know it did you?
You still don't.
because, you have never seen my face or heard my voice,
Never felt my hug or kiss on the cheek in love and gratitude
You didn't even know what you were doing for me.
You still don't.
But, you did it just the same.
Handed me this gift.
This part of me i thought i had murdered in cold blood
But, you had taken it, and kept it safe for me.
By Gods interference.
he placed that part of me in your hands until it was time to give it back,
Thank God for his wisdom.
Thank God for his use of you
Thank God for you
I pray he brings us into each others paths each night as i lay me down to sleep
I need to know you
Need to hear you
Need to feel you beside me
I need to know if there is chemistry
Need to know if we would mesh
Because, i feel like you and i would compliment each other as friends
The conversations would be epic
because we both talk alot.
and we both have such strong opinions
I would listen to you play guitar and sing along to the ones i know.
And i would smile. because i found my brother in heart
In mind.
and he found me.
The Bloody Unworthy
The night takes me into its breast with ever spinning of the clock.
My mind never stops, my mind never slows
I think about all this shit have lived through
i survived.
and it pisses me off and it makes me cry
and it makes me want things i never had
like love and passion and comfort and kisses
But, when you are the unworthy
when you dont look quite like what is considered to be beauty
you dont need love, you dont need touch, you dont need kisses
you are rubbish
or you dont exist.
not pretty
not thin
skins not tight
not human
and i wait
I wait for someone to see me, really see me
see there is beauty lying beneath that which always fades
but, love is never blind anymore.
shallow hearts and empty minds.
feelings of disgust behind plastic smiles
When all i really need is someone to hold me
someone to find me beautiful
so inspire someones art.
Not for aesthetics
not for my sexy exterior
but for the heart of me and a mind that is strong and for a mouth that speaks without fear
For my honesty, for my brokenness
for the love i can give
and the warm place that lies inside.
But, no, I am real, I am in perfect and I am not want to shallow up my mind to look pretty
So, alone i am.
As i have always been
With no hands, no arms, no lips and no hearts.
broken inside
afraid that i will be unworthy in the eyes of everyone man i meet
That i will never know love or touch or kisses or respect
And that thought...
that thought is killing me slowly
Man and Woman were not meant to be alone
They were meant to make a whole.
So, you see, what i have here is this gaping wound where my other half should be.
Its been open and bleeding for a long time now.
Its been so long since I've been ok.
Sometimes it feels as if i am dying from love loss
not loss of blood
I stand alone, unworthy, unloved.
Suffering
Sobbing.
Tears sting as they roll down my face like rain on a window.
buckets of salt spent on this pain.
a body deformed.
betrayed by the blade meant to put me right.
i am a monster.
i am broken.
i am less a woman, less a human.
my thoughts and beliefs for my future,
for love, for passion, for peace, and happiness
lie dead on the floor
in the dirt,
writhing in pain, like my soul.
i am not right now
misplaced trust and poverty have brought me to this place of ruin.
and i can not stop crying.
the pain seeks to escape its cage in my belly.
i swallow it down, choking on its bitterness
bile and broken glass.
cutting me to ribbons inside.
my throat croaks with dust when i try to speak the words to explain what it feels like swirling in my mind
I feel hallow.
I have lost some of my humanity
no one touches, no one consoles, no one comforts, no one loves
something was stolen
something brought to ruin.
and i pay.
black roots of pain and suffering wind themselves around every thought, every feeling, every strand of tissue and srong muscle within me.
and pulls me further away from being a woman.
brings me to give up in the trying i have made for myself for two years
it was all for nothing.
love never seen, lips never kissed, flesh never touched
and no man will ever touch, ever kiss, ever dance inside..........
i am not good enough.
i never was
i never will be
born alone. live alone. die alone,
never going to know what i seek more than anything in this world.
strong arms, good heart, sweet lips, soft kind hands
things i never knew, but, worked so hard to get, only to have it taken away by a strangers hand, with a blade, in his arrogance.
doing harm.
Half a world away
The moon was golden tonight,
the stars were faded behind the veil.
I was wishing you were there with me to see it
but you are half a world away
I wonder if you saw it too.
You've been on my mind so much these days,
It almost feels like a disease.
Coming in uninvited,
But still a part of me.
My heart is crimson
My mind sparkles like a diamond,
now that the storms have cleared from behind the walls.
My soul glows blue,
with black creeping in around the edges
My body is beaten and worn from a life lived on the side of wrong
but, i am well on my way to fixing that
I won't be perfect, but i will better just the same
I don't think i have colors inside me
Not like the ones i see in you
From your life so far from me
Half a world away.
Sometimes i wish i was with you
In this sweet, and gentle way
Something above labels
Intimate without lusty ways
It makes me so lonely,
everytime i think of being with you
Because you don't know me
You don't see me at all
And I'll never be with you.
So to find solace and comfort
I lay in bed at night
In the moments before sleep comes to claim me
With it's little death
I like to play pretend
That you are laying beside me
Strong arm around my shoulder
My head on your chest
Listening to your heart beating
The rise and fall of your breath
Nothing x rated here
Nothing that is impure
Just you laying beside me
Speaking words of sweetness into my ear
You make me feel less lonely sometimes
In a world i was not made to live in
because you are like me some how
Which makes me long to know you even more
See, they dont take kindly to my kind around here
They label me a weird kind of freak
But, thats ok, now that I know I am not alone
The word freak makes me proud, not weak
So there you are half a world away from me
Not knowing i am here
I have something to give you
A gift only i can give
To make you more you
Like you have made me more me
Just because you exist
I wish that i could call you tonight
As i sit and take another swig of this drink
It helps to dull this ache inside I have for never knowing you
It dulls the pain a little while
i would tell you all this i have inside
Then wait to hear what you think
because i love to hear what you have to say
But, i cant, because i am me and you are you
And you will always be half a world away.
Something true
I dont know you
But sometimes i think i do
You will never see me
Never know that could bring you
A smile
A shoulder
An ear that will always hear
Something, maybe, a little different
Something honest
Something true
You walk in these circles
Where truth is just a game
Dont always know who your friends are
or who is just playing head games
I dont care about the things
Those plastic people do
All i care about is you
Your heart
Your mind
Your art
Your time
but, I will never know you
You are just too far away
Living a life so different from mine
It makes me ache in the sadest way
I dont want to date you
I dont want a taste of what you have
I just want to be a bit of a friend
Honey
Words Like honey drip slowly from my tongue
As i practice each hearts desire I wish to tell
Practice makes perfect, or so they say
I say them as if you were here beside me
Sweet words with kindness and love
But, I do not know if they will ever find your ears
In their eager to please way
Knowing that fact, makes me ache with a dull pain that beats with the rythum of my heart
One beat at a time, thump, thump, thump
So, I lay back, I close my eyes and imagine us by the sea, under mooonlight
Sitting on a blanket
Sharing our words in an innocent kind of way
Sharing who we are, and where our hearts lie
Sharing the dark past we tell no one else
You seem so far away from me right now
But, in my heart I know that is not an always kind of thing.
You feel like you are edging closer
bit by microscopic bit.
It feels like we all ready belong to each other in some sweet way
Like we always have
Like I have always felt you missing from me.making meless whole
It's not about romance, and passion
but, in something more real and permanant
because lovers come and lovers go in this world
We can be so much more real, and honest than lovers are
i much rather have you as a long term friend, than a short term lover
So, i am here, waiting, for you to come and take me by the hand, and show yourself to me knowing i will hold no judgement upon you
knowing i will love you unconditionally
Knowing i will be by your side whenever you need me
A strength in your weakness.
A voice in the dark, leading you out
A friend.
Words like sugar
I consume your words like grains of sugar
each one sweet and pleasing on the tongue
to the ear
tiny alone
but so delicious when they come together
They nourish me
feed me
comfort me.
They dwell within me
and become a part of me
making it feel like you are with me
in some small gentle way.
in your words i hide
and with them,
for one brief breath
i am not alone
The blues for the missing
I dont know you yet
You've never seen my face
But, i miss you
having never known you
Its hard to explain
I created you with my heart
I know you are out there somewhere
waiting to find me
but the waiting,
it makes me ache
makes me miss you
want to see your face
Miss you arms,
miss your lips
Miss your soft whisper in my ear
How can i miss a man
Who i have never known
never been mine
never been yours
But, i miss you all the same
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last updated: 9/10/2009
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