My Life So Far A Simple kinda life.. My life is not remarkable, all though it is sometimes tragic, its still my life. Scars and all. I don't seek sympathy or pity by writing this, only that, in some way, me being open and honest about my life helps someone else. When i was born, my father had already been long gone for months, my mother married him simply because she was pregnant, and the marriage, cohabitation wise didn't even last as long as the pregnancy. My father, once i was born, and growing up, even up until now, has never laid eyes on me personally, nor i him., He never paid child support, he never made an effort to know me in anyway, and truthfully, I believe I am better off having not known him. Why do i believe this? because in the mid-90's i made an effort to contact him via mail to get medical history, etc, because I had become ill, to the point i was disabled in fact, with no real source, just a lot of symptoms and smaller issues. He was not forthright with me even on that, according to him everyone was in perfect health, lived a long life and died of old age. Which just from what my mother knew, and that was very little, I knew that was a lie. But, I saw the sinisterness of my father via the few letters we exchanged. I confronted him about his abandonment, and he turned around and pointed fingers at my mother and then husband, eluding that they had secrets they kept from me that would hurt me if i knew, never owning up to his responsibility, and calling me bitter... that was the end of my communications with the man who i shared half of my DNA with. I grew up an only child, and was rather protected, I didn't play with kids in the neighborhood really, but, i used my imagination and played alone, road my bike, skated, or drafted a grandparent, aunt or uncle for play time, etc etc etc, I would say i was a pretty happy kid on that level. I can recall at a very young age, maybe 6 or 7, having a deep irrational fear of certain things, to the point i would feel physically ill and just be kinda paralyzed and not able to really hear anything else until whatever was making me afraid passed. Things I couldn't control, like weather or war. I slept walked until I was eleven as well. Home life was ok, except for my mother sometimes hit me in anger too hard and too much, , telling me afterwards I "brought it on myself", i consider it abusive, but not monstrous. I became violent myself towards her as a teen, filled with rage over the way she had hurt me growing up, I had issues for a long time over it, but have made my peace with her and we have a good relationship now. She herself had been abused by her own alcoholic father. But, the real abuse, was done by peers in school. Starting from kindergarten, i can remember being terrified, chased by boys, not being allowed to play with the other kids by these boys, chasing me, often falling and skinning my knee, they made fun of me for being fat. I was always a fat kid, always. Kids never let me forget it, i was reminded daily, i was made fun of, rejected, excluded...... which, left me feeling i NEVER fit in with anyone anywhere ever. Even now, I still feel like I am on the outside, even online. I attended a private school, grades 1-12, where in 1st grade a 2nd grader named Jill S. would take me into the bathroom at lunch everyday and make me choose a punishment, what i would be hit with, my crime? I accidentally bumped her the first day of school. In second and third grade, before school i often was chased down by older boys in jr. high, and made fun of, they never caught me, but i can remember being SO terrified and sure they were bent on causing me harm. Fourth grade, my teacher was mistreating me, she had moved me isolated from the rest of the class for talking, permanently, and had paddled me twice for no legitimate reason, defying the policy to call a family member first for permission or notification before a paddling. When i finally told my mother and when she had seen where my desk was on parents night, i was removed from that school, from kids some of whom i had known since kindergarten, I can still remember seeing my grandmother outside giving the principle some serious lip about my mistreatment outside the day i left. She had seen the paddle, a rounded club/bat looking thing, and that was it for her, she lost it. I was sent to another private school, where, the kids were richer, and different than what I was used to, i made a few friends, but, in the end i was still made fun of for both being fat and now, for being poorer than they were. I stayed there from 4th-6th, often missing days because i "didn't feel good", medically there wasn't anything wrong with me. I went to the jr/sr high school in this school system, where, the ridicule got worse, crueler, climaxing in the first 9 weeks of 9th grade, I had been absent all week, and apparently, someone had gone into my locker (locks were optional there/then) and read my poetry, my sad and dark poetry, where i was told that if i killed myself they would throw a party to be rid of trash like me. That wa s my last day there. I essentially had a nervous breakdown. I was in the library taking a makeup science test, I just walked out, called my mom and told her to "get me out of here" and never went back. But i was so damaged i couldn't go on to another school, and i regret that so much because, i miss the fact i did not have a normal teens, i don't relate tot he stories people tell, i didn't do any of the things others kids did, no parties, no dances, no dates, no school events. I holed up in my home, alone from age 14-17. I had a couple of friends, who i did hang with on occasion, but, even being around "normal" kids, i felt on the fringe of the group, i didn't participate as much as spectate. I felt older than they were, i felt like i was standing outside looking in. At seventeen, i became a christian, and this changed a lot for me, but it wasn't a cure for all that ailed me. I did get involved in youth group, but still felt older than they were and outside in a lot of ways. No one ridiculed me tho' and rejection was rare and never overt. Then thing is, lying beneath was those irrational fears, sadness, pain i could not put a label on....as well as zero self esteem, i felt unworthy, like i was not worthy of normal things like boyfriends and dates etc...So, i kept everyone at arms length, always. Aside from an occasional emotional break where i would reach out in pain, and usually be rejected because I had been so attached.... all i wanted was to feel loved and wanted and comforted..... it rarely came. 1992.....I was angry, in pain, all the time, I started drinking a couple times a week, and drifting away from church, i wanted to feel numb, forget. My mother, always single, suddenly meets and moves in a man into our home. In so many ways i felt like i lost my mother, i had lost everyone i cared about over and over again all these years, and now my own mother had no time for me, over a man she had known a week and moved into our home without even talking to me about it. Anger and pain were all i felt at this point. Then i met my ex hhusband. I was not in love with him, i wasn't even physically attracted to him, but he was meeting an emotional need i had, and i married him 2 months after meeting him. I married a stranger. About a year and ahalf into my marriage, my husband confesses to me some very horrible things, that had i known i would not have married or even dated him. I became deeply depressed after this, It took a great deal of my love and affection and especialy trust for him away. But, being the dutiful Christian i was, i stayed, I had made my bed, I had to lie in it. He did not always treat me well, there were incidents, threats, etc. It was most definetely a dysfunctional relationship, and toxic as well. By this time i was also pretty disabled. A LOT of daily physical pain, arthritis, patella femoral syndrome, i couldn't really walk, and even had a wheelchair for a while. Due to my obesity, i topped out around 500 pounds in 2000. yeah i said 500 pounds. Once i was on paxil tho, i began to care about myself again, i went on phentermine and lost 100 pounds in 6 months, I began to assert my independence and since my ex was medicated he didn't hinder me. We were actually happy and harmonious. Then my ex got a job in another state, where i couldn't get phentermine. I began to gain back slowly, our semi vegetarian lifestyle gave way to fast food in huge amounts. He was laid off 3 months after we moved there, and did not stay gainfully employed for almosttwo years. My ex blew his 11 year sobriety, quit his meds, he shut me out completely for the computer, he cheated on me, and said he wanted to separate. By this time in was pretty helpless again, couldn't do for myself, and tried to fight for my marriage. Why? because i was afraid and truthfully, just like all the years of his violence and mental abuse, i felt i had no where to go, and that no one else would ever want me, a bad husband was better than no husband in my mind. Because of him i was isolated from my famiy and friends. In the end, i was the one who left. My mom found me a cheap apartment in the boonies, and came and got me and my stuff. I left july 4th, independence day....... What went on in the next few months i have worked hard to understand, and why i went thru it, i feel shame for it.I feel anger for it. My ex did alot of very hurtful things, gave me hope, dishonesty... he did alot of damage. Then the divorce was final.... and i saw my ex and everything that had happened since i met him with new eyes, with truth...... I also realized i had lived my life identifying myself by the reflection in others eyes., which is just messed up and false. So, I began to heal, with some setbacks involving a infatuation with an internet friend that was quite painful, but here i am now, June 28th, 2005, with a new out look on life a confidence in myself and i am traveling the road to health mentally, spiritually and physically. I have devoted 2005-2006 to these things. No dating, no flirting, nothing. Just me. Developing me, getting healthy and standing strong alone. I am currently on SSI disability benefits, due to my mental health and physical health combo. But, its not permanent. its just a tool to carry me until i can carry myself fully. I am dirt poor, my home is so tired and needs so much work, i have no car, but emotionally, i am happier and better than i have ever been in my life. Alone. something i had feared. but, i have discovered Alone doesn't mean lonely. I was lonely all my life, even when i was married, i would feel overwhelmingly lonely. Now, i don't feel lonely at all. I had Gastric bypass surgery on april 18th, 2005 to finally conquer my life long struggle with obesity, and am on the mend (see my weight loss page for progress reports), I am still on medication and i can actually cope with things and deal with social situations and life normally. I am about to get involved in church again, I am already able to walk enough for that, my pain in my legs was what held be back before now. I am making a life for myself, MY way. I am sober,I am happy for the most part. I survived. Because, I am strong inside, because i have God, I survived because i can not be beat down and kept down, because i held on to hope and music played a part in helping me cope as well, it was my great escape. My free spirit is alive! So much of this written here is negative, I will be honest, I dont remember much good, school, friends, my marriage all is riddled with pain, some real, some i know as a result of being borderline personality and unmedicated at the time. I do believe happy memories are coming, and have already begun to be created. I am just gonna call my first 34 years the dark years, and move on the bright and shining future. I finally have better self esteem and working on it, I dont think my happinesss begins and ends with a man anymore like i did my entire former life. Believing that lead me into a 11 year hell. I wont go there again. I know i can be and live alone and be very happy. Update: 11-20-2005: I have been involved in church since July. I am even on my sunday school classes activities commitee. :). I am doing really well on the weightloss, and doing fabulous emotionally and spiritually. My legs are getting better all the time. Oh, and i have a car! It needs a little minor work before i can drive it, but, i have a car! Next... a job :) Update: 6-5-06: I have had some setbacks, I was diagnoised with osteoarthritis in my legs, hands, arms and neck, then with fibromyalgia in April, which means, I may not get to ever work full time, this was discouraging for me. I am very involved in church and sunday school now. Have made and am making friends, I also have come to a point where i feel I am ready to date. Now, i just need someone to ask me! lolMy relationship with the Lord has flourished, I still sometimes have insecurities and self esteem issues. Old learned behaviors creep up, like acting like a nervous nerd girl, lol.I weigh 270 now. I can walk pretty well, I have days where i have more pain and fatigue than others because of the fibromyalgia, but am being treated for that. In Feb/March i had a cancer scare. My gynocologist was just about positive i had uterine cancer. I did not. I had two conditions easily treated, polycystic ovarian syndrome and complex uterine hyperplasia without atypia. Praise God. Because, i SHOULD have had cancer statisticly and from the evidence. I have been taken off all diabetes meds, because i have kicked diabetes in the behind and out of my life. i did get my car running, its a sad sight and sound, but it is basic transportation, and i am not a proud woman, lol. In a way I feel like i have kicked borderline personality in the butt too... except in situations where i am nervous, or afraid of rejection, i am no longer exibiting many symptoms of it. No depression, no self harm. I am getting almost, dare i say it, normal. Not completely tho' I am still kinda weird. I mean, i AM still me. But, weird can be good. normal is SO over rated. ;). I feel beautiful, i feel sexy even... wait, is a baptist single woman allowed to be sexy? I just feel beautiful and unashamed of my body now. loose skin and all lol. I wear it like a badge of honor! Like war medals! I am no where near perfect or what teh world sees as beautiful, i know that, but, I have something better... i have the Lord. I have the knowledge God made me, and made me beautiful. I am worthy of love, affection and care without punishment or mistreatment. I know God will bring that to me soon. I have faith. 7-2-06-I have beeen on a HUGE creative trip the last week. and it feels glorious. I have begun work on a screenplay i have wanted to write for years, its a very personal story, my heart is inbedded within it. I am going to have to find outhow to get ones script read, i have no clue, i am about as far from show business as you can get. But, i just have this drive within me to write, to tell people a story that moves them, that reaches them, that changes something within them after seeing it, like some of the great movies i have seen that have effected me and changed me in some way. I want people to be haunted by what i write. Unable to shake it from their being. Movies like that are the movies that i love. I wrote this in my blog today...it expresses how i a feeling right now......beautiful, incredible, terrifying,....... I have been feeling so ALIVE with a flow of creativity the last 5 days are so, its the most incredible feeling. i feel beautiful and in my place in the universe where i fit like a puzzle piece......i feel high, but ina good way....i am on fire, but i do not burn.... Colors are brighter, men are more georgous and everywhere i go, food tastes better, sleep feels more restful....flowers smell sweeter I am a poet, a writer, a artist, a lover, a woman and a pillar of strength..............i am genius and insanity......i am confidence and insecurity..... I am beautiful, glorious and messed up...... Fear...... fear ruled my life for so long....... and now i look my fear in the face and i tell it to die a awful flaming horrid death...... I will be afraid no more. i will no longer hide myself from the world.....i will no longer be a life wasted, afraid of living..... i...am......a creation wonderfully made by God.... and God is glorious..... Life......what a wild beautifully terrifying trip....... July 11th, 2006- I am very serious about writing. I am seriously going to give this whole writing thing a go. Screenplays specificly. I have alot to learn, i know, but the dialogue and scenerios just flow from my mind. and i know that has got to be God given. I feel so right when i am writing. I spent my life trying to suffocate the creative in me, because i feared i'd be thought a fool, or worse, fail. But pass or fail i have got to try this. If its Gods path for me, it will work out. Meanwhile, i am able to create somehting original form scratch that is mine. Uniquely mine, a part of me that can not be duplicated. ALot of people couldnt even begin to sit down and write something. I just realized that since i can, and have been able to since i was a child, that is a natural ability, a talent if you will, and God gave it to me. So why suffocate it? USE IT! this could be my path to supporting myself some day. So, its official.. when people ask me what i do, i am now a budding writer..... period. September 22, 2006-Still writing, i have completed three screenplays in 3 short months, but, mind you, i spend alot of time doing it. Writing poetry too. I did two small paintings for my bedroom. I have to tell a story, about what set off my creative spark. I know it was God given. There is an actor names James Marsters, he is also a muscian, I came upon his music by accident. I was listening to it, and it has this sweet, simple kind of feel to it, he primarily writes songs about love and relationships. Something about this music is what unblockd me on that first screenplay i had been pondering for so long. It inspired me, it helped me see clearly the character I could not develop. I am thankful to God for pointing me to James work, I have love and grattitude towards James himself for making his art that made it possible for me to make mine. Because the experience of writing has truly changed me to my core. The experience has been profound. I have new found hope for my future. I have more confidence. I feel alot better about myself and my place in the world, because, I ahve finally found what it is i was built to do. I have done some research on James, because, i was just facinated at a person i did not know could inspire me, because it has never happened to me before. I have found him to be a nice guy, shocking since he is in the hollywood experience, I like the way his mind works. Maybe one day i will be able to meet him via my writing career and tell him about this. Heh, maybe we will become friends and i can write awesome roles for him to show his great acting range. :P ... He is a very good actor. Who knows what lies ahead. All i know is, i feel this calm and confident feeling about having a career as a writer. I dont think i will be huge, or anything, but i think i may very well make a living at it. Which is all i really need anyway. Thank the Lord for his sometimes unconventional ways of leading me. I never would have imagined he would use the likes of James Marsters to lead me to the path of my bliss. October 23, 2006- I was diagnosed as either bipolar, or my borderline personality disorder mimicking bipolar two weeks ago. I was put on mood stabalizers and since you gradually increase dosage for the first five weeks, it can take a month for full effect, but i can tell a difference. I had been having manic and depresive episodes for months. this upsets me, but i now know i had had this for a very long time, i just did not know what it is, i am happy to get proper medication. December 5th, 2006-WOW! I am doing fabulous on the lamictal. In fact its had a very nice side effect, its wipped out about 60-70% of my fibromyalgia symptoms! I am up and going like mad with little pain and fatigue! They have seen in priliminary studies the things that cause mental illness also cause the fibro, misfiring braincells, neurotransmitters, inbalanced serotonin levels...this is just awesome and i am praying God for it. I am better in both mind and body that i have been in 14 or 15 years. God is good. :) Januaray ends my 2 year commitment to get healthy mentally, physically and spiritually, i wills till be in pursuit of those things, but, it wil also mean i am going off my 2 year sabatical from men/relationships/dating in order to do so. i am VERY ready to date. I am also commiting 2007 to working on my writing career, i have three screenplays finished, one in the works and a couple more in the hopper (that would be my head, lol), i will start registering my work with WGA, and get the rep book i desperately need in order to send out query letters, the first step in getting my work seen. I am excited and feel really good about it. After some issues related to the manic/depressive cycles with my eating, a 11 pound gain included, i am back ont rack, i was obsessing over the numbers, calories and fat etc, but, i got my moods straightened, am more active and instead of following a regimne in my eating, i am listening closely to my body telling me when it is hungry and what it needs, and i lost 9 pounds in 2.5 weeks as a result of this. I have left my church of 19 years because it was just time and have felt God leading me to do so for over a year, to the point i got pushed out by some very rude behavior.. but once i made the choice to leave, i knew i had made the choice God wanted me to, i was at peace and a huge burden was lifted off me. I have a couple of churches in mind to visit, after holiday season has stopped. I will go where i can grow and flourish. Insteadof staying ina s tagnant and toxic enviroment, which was giving me stress and some serious problems in multiple ways. The whole counting calories, eating ona schedule and only in specific ways, just did not work for me at all. Sorry Dr. baker! I have to do what works for me keeps me nourished, and losing. This is working for me. i never was a rules kinda girl, not to mention, i am my own boss. lol. I have left my church of 19 years, i simpley was not growing there or being spiritually fed any,more, not to mention a really bad poil and water situation between myself and sunday school members, some really upsetting things went down. I knew God was leading me away, for about a year now, but i didnt wanna leave since i had been there so long. But, the final straw came when in was called to someoens home for cake and criticisim, and i was amazed at just how wrong these ppl there had me, how they not only did not know me, they could not see anything about me that was who i really am. I made the choice that night to leave. As soon as i did a huge burden was lifted from me, i had tptal peace and knew i was doing what God wanted me to do with no doubt. I have a couple of churches i feel lead to visit, which i will start after the holidays. I believe this will bring about many things, a place for me to grow and bloom, and most likely where i will meet my future husband. I have a couple reasons for the latter, one including when i sought counsel with my pastor about the situation, he made an off hand remark to that effect, which is something i had already felt in my heart anyway. He supported me 100% BTW. I am doing very good in every way right now. I am truly a happy girl. I did a writing project as a gift for James Marsters for Christmas, BTW, just trying to give a little something back to the man who God used to give me back my art. Who knows if he will read it or not. But, its the thought that counts, now isnt it? Thats all for my life so far for now. Happy holidays, Heather Feburary 4th, 2007-On Janurary 24th, i had a complete, abdominal hysterectomy. I had comples uterine hyperplasia, that was not repsonding to treatment, pollycystic ovarian syndrome, and fibroid tumors. I always thought I'd have a baby. I always wanted children. I had given up that dream when i was married because i did not feel a child would be safe with my ex. but, when i divorced i realized, i could have a second chance at being a mommy, Its one of the factors into why i have been fighting to get healthy. But, God had another plan. No fruit of the womb for me. I have been fighting to get healthy, yet the past 2 years, especially the past year, has been one illness after another. I am pretty sure most of this stuff has been there a while, i know the GYN stuff has been, i saw several doctors trying to get it diagnoised since i was 21. But, its very undaunting. Here i am having a drastic surgery and working hard to get healthy, and by body just keep throwing new suprises at me. In body and in mind. BUT, i do get treatment and surgery, that controls or eraticats the unhealthy problem. Which i think has been part of Gods plan all along. To make me healthy. There is a scripture verse, where Jesus said if your right eye leads you to sin or hand, etc, remove it. My health issues arent sins, but, its the same principle. In some translations it says if your eye offends thee, pluck it out. My reprodutived were offending me. causing me alot of pain, hormonal imbalances, and just a world of unhealthy issues. We tried treating the issues non-surgically for almost a year. To no avail. The hormonal stuff, has wrecked me ability to be disciplined in my diet, because started having severe PMS and the cravings were aout to break me, so i ate either too much of the right foods, or small amounts of the wrong foods i have been bouncing in the same 10 pound weight range since novemeber. Gain, lose, gain, lose. Its couraging. Letting those foods back in, i liken to a recovering addict thinking they can drink a little or do just a little heroin. Inow have to rehab all over again. and its hard. I have been struggling. I pray for strength from the Lord. I pray for a renewed discipline. I am hoping that since having the hysterectomy, and being given a estrogen patch, my hormones with balance out and stop wreaking havoc with cravings and pushing me over the edge where i fail in my diet. Anyway, on other notes. I keep having these dreams, very haunting dreams, that have been going on for months, all with similar themes, all with the same person in them. I am always being treated cruely by someone real from my waking past. This person comes and and holds my hand, talks to me, is a friend to me,etc, and its a real person that exists in the world, i do not know him, but i know of him. I know alot about him. He is a minor celebrity, and there is an archive of 9 years of interviews, etc. I relate to this person and our minds work in very simlar ways, our passions in life are similar and we have similar experiences in out backgrounds, This person brings me this great sence of peace, and makes me feel secure, loved, and filled with sunshine. Like i am not alone, and i am not rubbish like the people treating me badly say. This person, in real life, does make me feel less alone, less a freak, in this world. i dont know what the dreams mean, but i always feel good all day after, and they are coming more and more frequently. The more painful the cruelty, the closer he and i are in the dream. My dreams always have a certain feel to them, the dreams of the mentally ill, can be, just bizarre and fraught with chaos and emotion. These dreams. They dont feel like dreams. They arent like the rest. I keep feeling like there is a message and i am trying to get a grasp on it. I have worked some things out in understanding them. but, am no where close to truly understanding what lies beneath them, and what the message is, if any, the Lord may be trying to speak to me. I kinda like the dreams, they are comforting. I recently had a bit of a epiphiany. I am alone. I am meant to be alone mostly. Not lonely. I have trouble getting alone with and relating to most people. a rare few, i click with, but we connect on a very deep level when we do. God just made me different, and meant to live a mostly alone life. I am owning that now. I admit, i am fine with and enjoy doing most things alone. I dont feel lonely living alone. I do crave a kindred spirit in a close friend at times. Sometimes i crave a relationship. But i am no where near ready for something really serious, especially marriage. The only things motivating me to ind a man and marry were having a child before i ran out of time, and the desire for sex. Sex is human. Its God made and given. Its a natural desire. As a Christian i am taught in the bible sex is for mariage. but, it is no reason to marry. I will be patient. Alone is not sad or pathetic. In fact I find it a sign of my strength. Strength i never realized i had, I have found and continue finding myself, my place in the world and what God built me for. I stand firm in what i believe. I do not need others to validate me. I do not bend to change for others any longer. It feels good. So much baggage from trying to be something I am not to please others is gone now. Better alone than miserable because i am surrounded by people who i dont relate to and who do not understand me what so ever, and have no desire to. Dontcha think?-XOXO-Heather March 24th, 2007-Well, My therapist has declared me ok, says i do not need regular therapy anymore. even called me "normal", perish the thought, i am weird and always will be, lol, but, by normal she ment emotionally healthy. FINALLY! She says I am more insightful than 97% of her patients and as repeatedly wondered why i did not go into her line of work. The introspective and insightful stuff i am prone to is healthy, including the TMI i spread in my blog. Healthy is important. I have recovered from my hysterectomy. Its all good. Had my 6 week post op exam, everything is rainbows and sunshine. I discovered there is an actual movement that is pretty definitive of who i am as a Christian, A Christian leftist. I am not 100% aggreable with the movement, but i am probably about 90%, and far more than the right. I have always said I was liberal. I also realized recently I am a humanist. I observe humanity with great interest, the things we do and why we do them. I suppose it is the writer in me. How can you write about things you have no knowledge of? I stood in a down pour last summer for that very reason, just stood there and took it all in, the sensations, and it was wonderful. I have been writing like a mad woman. I have an agent I am going to contact soon, once i have proofed the screenplays I have yet to proof. I enjoyt hte writing, the story telling, i loathe the proofing and spellchecking. lol Not dating, and not looking. if it comes alone, great, but i am not a woman on the hunt for a man. I am content, and happy in myself now, something i have not known in my life, and i have come to realize i am suited to spend alot of time alone, i like it. a relationship, a man, serves some good purposes in a life, but, i dont feel complete only in a relationship. I like myself. I miss companionship and the physical side sometimes, What I would not give for some really good kissing right now, but, that is human nature. I have not given up on love, or men, they are just lower on the list now than they once were. They used to be at the top in a very depserate way for me. My weight loss has slowed down, i am 242 as of a few weeks ago, that is down 217 pounds in two years, i hit a hump last fall, but have very, very slowly started losing a little, I have got to kick it up, be more disciplined, that is all that is needed, things happened last year that really interfered with my ability to exercise, the fact i was sick with fibromyalgia for most of the year, for one, and the homronal insanity, the PMDD, just sent my control over what i ate out of control. So i would lose, gain lose gain the same 5-8 pounds over and over again. Oi Vay! But, i am coming down off the sugar again, slowly, cold turkey makes me go ona desperate binge, never good.I have come off most of the "bad" foods I had let back in other than sweets. It is a slow process, but one I have done before, I jsut ahve to do it wisely. My portions were not poor most of the time, so i did not totally wreck my gastric bypass pouch. It was just the calorie and fat content of what i was eating. May 18th, 2008- Last year was a very hard year for me towards the end. my uncle was diagnosed with lung cancer in the summer then i had my loose skin from my tummy removed. It came out looking really bad, deformed even, and that just  blew me away emotionally. Then my mom had a massive stroke, survived , but lost alot of her momness, i wrecked my car my uncle died my aunt had a nervous breakdown and took all her pain and anger out on me i started having panic attacks because i was  made to be the caregiver for my mo and count handle it ugh. This year so far has been uneventful, i am feeling the strain of not being ina  relationship for five years, Its just not  natural or healthy for a person. albeit  i was just  ready a year and a half ago, and didn't even start getting out any until November of last year to meet ppl. but, it is very limited, as i still have no car. I entered a writing contest., This summer  i will be sending query letters to agents and production companies for my first screen play, its finished  100% now. All the proofing, spelling, formating, etc. I registered it with WGA last year I  want to register a second one  before years end Its been a slow process, my income is so low and fixed, squeezing out $20-30 is impossible. But, i have slowly been doing  what i could here and there. My life is boring, i am home alone 99% of the time, i read,  do the internet, play with my puppies. OH! my puppies! long story how i got them, but, they are about 8 months as of this writing, and  part German Shepard, part rot wieller, and who knows what else, HUGE, but protective, and  so fun to have! They are named Chagall and Monet. They have been fun. I did not ask for them, in fact when they first showed up here, i rejected them. Then  i adopted them. They needed someone to care for them.and they chose me out of all my neighbors, including the ones who technically owned them. They ended up giving  them to me officially, since the dogs wouldn't stay there and stayed at my house 24/7. lol I am taking a walk with them  4-6 times a week for exercise. My eating isn't awesome, but, not horrible either. My weight volleys between 240 and 265 Its been hard with the hypoglycemia, osteoarthritis, and fibromyalgia combo. But, i am healthy in all the ways that matter, heart, lungs, blood pressure, live, etc. Its just my joints and muscles that have issues, and that is just pain and fatigue. No sign of diabetes tho or sleep apnea, or fatty liver disease. I have none of the "fat" disorders/illnesses anymore. I am happy in general, in my heart and spirit. I have sadness or down times of situational thing, but, not clinical depression and no manic episodes. My borderline personality disorder is  under control with treatment. We got the meds at the right dosage, and last year  my therapist released me from regular therapy, declaring me normal. lol She also told me i was very insightful and wondered why i didn't go into her line of work. I had intended to, however,  my anxiety disorder made em start having panic attacks when i was in college.... so, i guess, i was too mentally ill to complete school to  become a therapist lol I still am in love with writing, it is my passion and my purpose. I hope to  one day be writing here that i have sold my first screenplay, then i am directing my first film, that I wrote.... maybe within five years... :) Hmm, what else... oh i ama coffee/caffeine  addict, i want to live in starbucks... lol espresso with skim milk and caramel syrup iced  at home, light caramel frappuccinos or mocha mint light (NO WHIP! NO WHIP!) cappuccino at starbucks (yeah, expensive for one as poor as myself, i treat myself to one a month on the 1st) Keep ya posted my luvs-H September 1st, 2008, Alot of whats been going on since May has been regarding my health. I have been struggling with getting my diet and eating scheduling right for my hypoglycemia. Its been hard, my blood sugar is never high enough, unless i have eaten sugar, which I am not supposed to have, and then i risk it spiking then plummeting to the 20s (normal is 60-100, maybe a little more after eating, 60-65 is what my doc wants when i have not eaten i hover in the 50s, if i have eaten sugar in my meal, or high carbs, i will peak around 74 or so). Which throws me into a hypoglycemic episode, which, are hellish, you are literally fighting to stay conscious while youi get fuel, any fuel, soda, juice, anything to keep you going while you get real food into your body. It is totally automatic survival, its primal and it is very scary. Because, if you do not realize soon enough, or can not get something into you quick, you can lose consciousness i live alone, no one calls or comes by much. I hear comas are no fun. lol I am also fighting the fibromyalgia and osteoarthritis, it tries to take me down, i kick its butt for a little while, i get down again with flares or environmental factors get to me, i kick its butt again It is a cycle that will never end, but, i have accepted that and am coping :) I have pain maintenance meds, which help on bad days. I call them my bad back, knee or muscle days. hehe Anyway, my writing. In June, i think it was, i mailed out about 25 querey letters i think it was, i got a few back, unopened, i got a couple of emails telling me they only accept via a representation, and i got one very kind rejection letter. I loved the letter, it meant someone read my letter, lol Its going to be slow. i know that, and i am 100% fine with that. I have no sadness or discouragement. I have 100% confidence in my writing, no doubts at all. I know it is what God made me to do, i know it is what is naturally in me to do. Its just a hard business to break into. Its funny, i have spent most of my life critiquing writing and plot issues in movies. I have been super picky about movies i will even watch too I have been training for this my whole life! lol My mom had another stroke about a month ago and lost alot of her speech abilities. She just can't find her words. That's been hard. I have been living without a car for almost a year now. That has been the hardest thing ever.I feel a deep loss of freedom. that DOES make me depressed at times. I am stuck at home, and if my body was in less pain and fatigue i could walk down the road to the little store for basic small needs, it is about 2 miles one way, but, there is no way my body, with no cartilage in one knee and my spine having finally developed the arthritis in a noticeable way. Not to mention the fibro fatigue and muscle pain... eek I still am taking daily walks around my area 2-7 times a week, with my dog Monet, my other Dog, Monet's litter mate, disappeared recently, i fear a neighbor put him down, he had become violent in the weeks prior to disappearing, attacking small puppies in jealousy even, one was maybe 8-10 weeks old! If that is the case, it is best. I grieve the lost, he was protective and a sweetheart, except over me, no dog, not even Monet was allowed to be near me, and he had even started over food. My thre cats, Sunshine, 13,Gwenavere 7, and Neenie,7, are still kicking. Neenie has chronic uterine infections, but, they dont phase her a bit. I need to find the money to get her a hysterectomy. Because it will kill her eventually I hate being too poor to care for my babies properly. Gwenie and Sunny are healthy as horses. (what does that mean anyway? Not all horses are healthy. lol) My apartment is still falling apart and moldy. But, i have been put on a list for housing for disabled people Its a waiting game until my name comes up. Maybe i will have a small store within walking distance there. My life moves slowly right now, but, it's crawling towards betterment. I still feel happy in my spirit, its just circumstances that sometimes bring me down.It is rarely a bone deep kinda down, not like I used to suffer from. In August i met with a group of people I had gone to junior high with, i sat across a table fromt he man that was teh proverbail straw that broke the camels back the day i finally broke at 14 and left my school This "big bad" was just a guy, and was just a dumb kid doing dumb kid things, like all of us did. I looked him in the eyes and i saw no disdain, i saw what looked almost like fear, apprehension. Maybe he remembered how he treated me. But, by the end of the meal i was talking to him and realized, I had forgiven and was fine. Somehow that lunch washed away alot of the scars from my early teens. it was good. It was healing I plan to go to the 20 year class reunion, i did not graduate with them, but, alot fo them i had gone to school with in elementary and junior high and i was invited by a coordinator of the event, as well as a couple of other ppl, that is in October Well, my sweeties, I am going to close... until next time-Heather And, That is my life so far.... Heather Linn Lemmer-Meadows Home